Celebrate Earth Day… Bathe a Hippie.

Ok!  It’s Earth Day!  I get it!  We like the Earth and don’t want it to “die.”*  NOW SHUT UP!  All you new age hippies that think the only way to save the earth is to stop bathing and buy a Prius can now PLEASE SHUT UP for another year.  All you Johnnys-Come-Lately to the cause of keeping streams clean and sunsets… well… sunny, can “feel” good about yourselves for another year when you create small fires at 4:20 and lecture all the rest of us on how responsible you are cause you don’t eat meat and love Castro and Chavez while wearing your artistically worn through official Che t-shirt and messenger bag with a big red star on it. 

Long before the likes of you crawled out from your freshmen Social Studies or Poli-Sci classroom** filled with the desire to save the world and get some from that cute blond with low morals and a misguided (read naive) sense reality and proudly proclaimed yourself an environmentalist; there’ve been people keeping the world clean one stream and field at a time.  They’re called conservationists and they’ve been preventing forest fires, keeping game and pest populations in check, and keeping the outdoors in a state of greenness that not only is pretty to look at, but, and this is what sets them apart from environmentalists, BENEFITS HUMANS. 

Let me ‘splain by way of an example problem and juxtaposed responses.

P) Rancher notices a predatorial cat taking out some of his livestock. 

Response 1: Conservationist) Rancher should stop the predator by HUMANELY, hunting or baiting it and killing it.  If the cat is of a rare species then the Rancher should be aided in capturing the cat if at all possible and moving it to another local where it will not come into contact with human operations if possible.  The Rancher (i.e. the human) has the burden of doing everything humanely possible to stop the cat, but since the rancher has the right to defend his property; Killing the animal in a humane fashion is acceptable if it’s the best way to keep the rancher’s property protected.

Response 2: Environmentalist) The rancher is encroaching on the natural habitat of the cat.  So the cat has the right to take any and all livestock it wants.  If the cat is an endangered species, the rancher must move his operations at his expense.  If the cat is harmed in any way, the rancher should be held libel and punished. 

To a conservationist, humans have rights to land and its use and SHOULD treat nature as precious commodity that should be used properly for the benefit of humanity and the continued care of nature.  However, in any conflict between humans and nature that has no easy (meaning having no undue burden) remedy for the human… the human wins. 

To an environmentalist, humans are a disease that must be controlled.  We are the pests and nature has all the rights.  In any contest between humans and nature, nature wins by default every time no matter if that means that people die.  People are the problem and a few less due to starvation and sickness isn’t a bad thing.  As long as it isn’t the good Gia fearing environmentalists themselves.  Can’t have that wind farm cluttering up the landscape, don-cha-know!

When you boil it all down, conservationists are people how want to use nature for the greatest benefit to humans with the understanding that you have to put back into nature what you take out of it.   environmentalists, on the other hand, want nature to be in control.  Nature must be guarded and left unchanged by humans.  But this ignores one basic reality, humans are part of nature, so we have a right to it too.  Not just otters and spotted owls.  We are allowed to change it just as a beaver does when it makes a dam. 

But, unlike a beaver, we have the ability to try and make as little BAD impact as possible on the surroundings.  I emphasize “BAD” because that is subtle way that environmentalists co-opt conservation.  To an environmentalist, all change caused by humans is BAD.  But in reality, humans can do things that make life better for animals.  Ask all the baby caribou that benefited from the warmth of the Alaska Pipeline. 

We can also royally FUBAR an area when we don’t think about the impact.  So conservationists and environmentalists both start with a common sense request, “let’s see what this is going to do to the area.  Shall we?”  But that is where reason ends for the environmentalist.  If ANY changes are going to impact an area due to human actions, then the action must be stopped.  On the other hand, a conservationist not only sees the changes but weighs them to see if they are going to do any real damage AND what the benefits to nature are.  And since humans are part of nature, benefits to us are weighed in. 

Gia being pure and all, that line of reasoning is lost on an environmentalist.  But the truth is, we, as humans, get a vote in the way OUR environment is used.  It doesn’t have to be left pristine, it just has to be used and managed properly.  Does that mean every parking lot that wants to be built, should?  No, But neither should all be nixed.  

It takes a lot of effort on the part of humans to be conservators of nature.  It takes no effort to be an environmentalist and simply say, “nyet!” 

So why do so many people ignore conservationism and flock to environmentalism.  Simple.  Conservationism requires real actions.  It’s all local.  You can’t just turn off your lights for an hour or have a love in on Earth Day.  You really, like, have to go clean up something. 

You can’t just see the nasty stream bed near your back yard, write about it on your blog, and gripe about it to you friends while you pass the bong.  You can’t just, “raise awareness” about it and feel better.  You actually have to take a few minutes out of your day on the way to your Art History class and PICK UP the trash yourself! 

Environmentalism asks no such concessions from you.  It only asks that you 1) say the right things, 2) buy the popular things on sale, 3) memorize catch phases, 4) be vocal about it, and, most importantly, 5) vote for the right candidates.  It’s a religion with no sins other than not being in the movement and not voting for the right people.  All you have to do is “care” and and make it some pinhead in D.C.’s problem and not only are you saved, but you will save the world!  Who doesn’t get jazzed about that!  On the other hand, who gets jazzed about being in a hot pair of waders with mosquitoes finding ways to get up your tail and bite you in places you didn’t even know you could get to while the upper half of you body is covered in mud.  Who gets jazzed about having to shoot a coyote before it kills some livestock, or worse, starves to death?  Who gets jazzed about the dirty part of nature? 

You don’t like the dirty part of nature?  Then become and environmentalist where nature is all candy canes and sunshine.  Not bear crap and cougar claws. 

So how does Che fit into all this?  Well… that’s gonna take us pretty far a field for a piece that just seeks to make fun of displaced hippies no matter if they are 60 year olds still trying to change the world between colonoscopies and 401K readjustments or 20 year olds with more money (read credit) than sense.  So I’ll get back to that later.

*not sure how a planet can die?  But I guess Gia can eat it if she doesn’t take regualr exercise, eat right, and get all her maintainance meds.  Maybe that’s what’s wrong??? Gia is having to choose between Alpo and her Thyroid meds!  She’s a victim of the Crisis of the Un-Insured!
** 95% of all hippies seem to be created on college campuses while attending classes that are essentially Educational AmWay. 
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Dante…

Conservative, educated, understands history, distrusts government, distrusts politicians, dislikes pop-culture, and carries a firearm. In short, I'm what The Framers of The Constitution were counting on and everything your government wants you to fear most.

The only thing I don’t have to complain about is some GI taking up space in my living room. I’ll let you know about the Civil Courts if someone ever owes more than $20 to me. ---If you didn’t get that one; sue your Civics or US History Teacher.


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