THIS JUST IN: Obama Announces New Public Behavior Reforms.

Washington D.C. (June 15th, 2009):  Spokesmen for The Obama Administration announce comprehensive changes for public behavior set to be voted on by Congress this year.  Topping the list of sweeping new reforms that the Necessary American Non-virtuous Exploits Elimination (NANEE) Act will mandate are; The wearing of clean underwear, Bathing behind the ears, Brushing teeth, Eating all vegetables before dessert, and looking both ways before crossing the street.

Obama alluded to this announcement late last week while continuing his Public Ministry in The Heartland. 

“Too many people today believe that I want to control them.  I have too many other things to deal with.  I have Iraq and Afghanistan and Iran and the tides and pealing back the night so that the sun can shine every day, I don’t have time to get involved with your everyday lives.  So don’t worry.  I’m looking into a new Cabinet level post to deal with that.”

The NANEE Act calls for the creation of regional directors to watch over all 57 States.  These local NANEE Directors will report to a Cabinet level post being dubbed the NANEE CZAR or Super NANEE. 

There are no fines or punishments defined in the NANEE Act, however broad police and enforcement powers will be given to the Super NANEE and its directors.  The 935 page Act states:

“Since every citizen learns at a different rate appropriate to his or her age, mental state, and regional handicaps, This NANEE Act will allow case by case assessment of infractions to determine appropriate action by the NANEE officers. However guidelines will be issued by Regional and National directors to assist with punishment and education.”

Some of the proposed guidelines being discussed behind the scenes are; Shutting off of telecommunication services, Removal of all entertainment equipment, House arrest except for the hours of work, and Pre-dinner curfews.

A press release from the Whitehouse quotes the President, who recently completed a desert sabbatical that he felt important to begin early on in his Presidency started:

“As I feel rejuvenated by purpose after retuning form the Middle East, I want the American People to feel rejuvenated everyday by doing what they need to do to have a fulfilling life of purpose for The State.  One key aspect of that is maintaining acceptable daily behavior that benefits all.”

Newt Gingrich, replying for The RNC leadership who are vacationing at Resort de’ Nile in Egypt for the foreseeable future, said,

“We Republicans believe that these measures, while well intentioned, are dangerous.” 

However, after receiving notice that he and other RNC leaders were removed from the guest lists of several upcoming DC gala events, Gingrich amended his remarks:

“What I meant to say earlier is that The NANEE Act is dangerous in that it does not go far enough.  We do not see provisions for No-knock room entry and late night under-bed checks.”

Since it does not mention hot button Conservative issues that might endanger Southern Democrats (Guns, God, or NASCAR), The NANEE Act is expected to pass with broad bipartisan support.


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Conservative, educated, understands history, distrusts government, distrusts politicians, dislikes pop-culture, and carries a firearm. In short, I'm what The Framers of The Constitution were counting on and everything your government wants you to fear most.

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