What If Heaven Was Like Congress?


Ok… the only thing I could think about was the inquest after this.  No.  Not the Coroner’s, but that of the Angel Oversight Committee.  I mean, if Heaven was run like our congress, surely someone is calling for an immediate appearance before all to be dressed down and properly address who’s to blame.

I can just see Jesus, sitting in his throne, barely stifling a giggle because he knows the humor of irony when he sees it; was kinda his invention anyway.    Beside him, Mary giving him a slightly disproving look because no mom likes to see her son giggle in serious situations. Jesus replies with a playful wink. Eventually she too gives way to a smirk.  In fact all the angels present, Gabriel, Raphael, Ariel, Uriel, and a dozen other unnamed “’el’s” seated in accusatory fashion behind a high table are beginning to purse their lips uncomfortably.  All but Michael, who being more of a military mind, has a complete poker face. 

Michael paces the no man’s (angel’s) land between the Table for the Persecution and the “Hot Seat”.  Full modern military dress adorns him.  Sitting in the Chair of Despair alone (for there are precious few lawyers whose eternal reward didn’t include wishes for a fire retardant suit and those are currently in Purgatory waiting for “Last Call”) is Noobiel, a recently promoted Guardian Angel. 

Mary looks up to Jesus who nods.  Mary then motions Michael to begin with a gentle wave. 

Michael: “If I may begin.  Noobiel, prior to your promotion 47 years ago you were working where?”

Noobiel: “Um… You promoted me.  You know where I’m from.”

M: “Please state it for the record.”

N: “Ok.  I… I was in charge of flies.”

Gabriel: “Flies?”

N: “Um, yes… flies.  My department was responsible for making sure that flies, you know, breed.”

G: “… like flies?”

N: “Well, yes,”

G: “Seems that job was going swimmingly”

N: “Technically no.  That would be mosquitoes.  That’s another department.”  *nervous laughter*

G:  “What?” *non-pulsed*

N: “Oh, sorry.  A little invertebrate humor.” *adjusts halo*

M: “Yes.  Emphasis on ‘little’.  So, Noobiel, can you explain exactly what happened in the Gunther Link case?  Please tell us all that you can remember starting with the Elevator.”

N: “The lift?”

M: *Sighs* “Yes… the lift.”

N: “Well… Gunther was stuck there and started to pray.  He was very devout.  He’s the kind of human that’s really easy for a new guardian to deal with. He really motivated himself and I rarely had to step in to keep him form spiritual harm.  Hated Pornography.  Was good to children.  Loved his mom.  A real prince.  I just really had to whisper in his ear to do things like remember to set an alarm for an important event or get the sappy card for a birthday instead of the card that plays the tinny garbled music that no one likes.

“He just started to pray and pray.  He was calling on all sorts of Saints, Her Highness, and His Majesty.  So I just called up a few of the other Guardians I knew in the area and they eventually found the right people to come check on the elevator.  It worked a treat and he was out in no time.”

M: “You cleared the miracle?”

N: *slightly squirming in his seat* “Well, no.  It’s standard practice to give small nudges to events when it’s not really life threatening.  The lift wasn’t going to fall and they would have found him eventually.  So it really was just to boost his already enormous faith.  And I didn’t want him to have to wait and give… you know who… a chance to work on him.”

Raphael: “It may be SOP but it’s hardly regulation to NOT at least check with a superior.”

N: “I know but, when you are down there in the streets, sometimes you have to… make do.”

R: “First of all… I was helping little old Cave-ladies cross the river while you were still tuning up for choir practice, so don’t lecture me on how it is down there.  But what exactly do you mean by, ‘Make do?’”

N: *shifting nervously and fidgeting with his halo* “I meant no disrespect.  I merely meant to point out that you know what it’s like.  Sometimes you have to jump and let Him *nodding to Jesus* provide the parachute.”

R: “And exactly what was the crisis that required you to jump in a situation that by your own admission would have resolved itself?”

N: *Visibly sweating* “Um…”

M: “May I remind you that you are under oath… always”

N: *Straightens up and pushes forward* “He had a game scheduled.”

M: “Excuse me?  Football?”

N: “No.  Something a bit less athletic.”

G: “Chess?”

N: “Um…  No…  H.A.L.O.  It’s a role playing game on the computer.”

R: “Halo?  Sounds interesting.  Do they play angels?”

M: “No.  It’s a multiplayer war game featuring modern unit combat.”

*The room falls silent*

M: “WHAT!  I’m the Patron of Soldiers!  … I was… intrigued.  *drawing himself to full height* “Can we PLEASE return to the subject at hand?”

*Everyone in the room pointedly ignored the snickers from the Throne*

*Michael glares are Noobiel*

N: “Er… yes.  Well… He had a game scheduled for later that night.  It’s one of his few hobbies and it makes him happy.  I knew if I let things go normally he’d miss it and I like to watch him.”

M: “So you called in a miracle for a computer game.  Let’s just be clear about that.  A… computer… game.”

N:  *nods*

*The room falls silent*

M: “Go on.”

N: “So they get the doors open and he thanks them all and heads to church…”

G: “Yes.  That is also another issue.  Exactly whose idea was it for him to go to church?”

N: *Barely audible* “mine.”

*Groans from the table*

N: “But he didn’t complain.  He was all over it.  Like I said, I never had to prompt him much spiritually.  He was happy to go and give thanks.”

R: “And throwing himself at the altar…”

N: *Shrinks in his seat* “I’m not sure.”

M: “Excuse me?”

N: “We were in the church.  I was taking a small break to… you know…” *Motions his head toward Jesus* “And I figured, ‘what could happen? He’s in a church!’  I don’t know what he was thinking.  One minute I’m singing Hosannas and the next… Squish.  Is any one asking the Guardian of the church?  That’s technically on his watch.”

M: “They are on the docket.  You just worry about your own actions.”

N: *nods*

G: “And he died instantly.  No time for intervention.”

N: “Yes… And it’s not a total loss since he did cross over to our side.”

M: “Yes! And don’t you forget that that is the ONLY reason you aren’t painting lichen on rocks as we speak.”

N: “Yes, sir.”  *retires into his chair sheepishly*

M: “Do you have anything further to add?”

N: “No.  I think I’ve said enough.”

*Michael turns to the Throne*

M: Would you care to add any concluding words.”

Jesus: *Considers his words*  “Ultimately… We are just going to have to chalk this one up to all’s well that ends well.  Mr. Link is firmly ensconced in his reward, enjoying the prayers of his family and the faithful.  Due to the internet, we have people in all manner of places sending their well wishes and prayers. 

“I’m sure Michael has already put extra details on his family to help prevent this… unfortunate incident from destroying their faith.”

*Michael nods smartly*

J: “I don’t generally set aside the laws of physics without some form of intervention from a Guardian or human.  And since his Guardian was attending to Me, something I can’t fault him too much for under the circumstances, there really was no one to intervene.  Had Mr. Link not been a dead cert for Heaven, I may have been inclined for another miracle in his life that day, but why make a man of such devotion wait when events were playing out for his immediate promotion.

“As to the “Miracle of the Lift”, *scowls*, “In the future, please, for the love of Me, check before you do things like that.  You never know what other events were planned.  Yes, the ele.. I mean lift getting stuck may have just been a fluke, but it may also have been part of a bigger plan and you should have found that out first. 

“I think, perhaps, you may need some more time apprenticing.  Michael, find a suitable teacher for Noobiel, please.”

N: “Actually, if I may ask Your Majesty…” *If Angels could mess themselves, he would be doing it right now as he realizes he just interrupted God.*

J: *chuckling* “Go on.”

N: “Um… bless you.  I would really like to go back to the flies, if I could.  They don’t have Xboxes and iPones.  They don’t drive like crazy people or cut others off just for the heck of it.  Flies are much less complicated and much more to my liking.”

J:  “Michael, I will leave that in your hands.  My preference is for Noob,” *no one notices Noobiel wince*, “to remain on the front lines if at all possible.  But it’s your team and your call. 

“Well… I think that raps up things.  If you don’t mind I have an appointment with a tortilla press.”

*Mary groans.  All the angels, except for Noob and Michael, laugh*

J: “Mom… you never let me have any fun.”  *Kisses her on the forehead and is gone*

M: “Yes.  I will take your next assignment under advisement, but seeing as He wants you back dealing with the humans, I think your flies are just a not going to happen.”

N: “Maybe I could Guardian an entomologist?”

M: “No more with the files.”

N: “Technically, the deal with more that just flies.”

M: *Glares*

N: “Yes.  Sorry.  Of course you knew that.  May I be excused?”

M: “Please. Before I call for my smiting sword.”

N: *vanishes*

M: *turns to table*“What are you all snickering about?  Don’t you have nations to protect and what not?” *The Angels vanish*

Michael: “It’s just so frustrating.”

Mary: “I know dear.  You know… I hear there’s an exorcism that’s about to be preformed in Uruguay.  Maybe you should pop in and take out some aggression?”

Michael: *Wistful look in his eye* “If I may have your leave My Lady?”

Mary: “Of course.”


Maybe it didn’t happen that way.  Who knows?  One thing is for certain.  I’m just not right.

I wish you well Mr. Link.  May your afterlife be less… um… pressing than your life.  Pray for us if you get a moment.  Thanks.


2 Responses to “What If Heaven Was Like Congress?”

  1. 1 davis September 15, 2009 at 7:01 am

    I think Senator Jesus hit the nail right on the head, if that’s not an inappropriate analogy

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Conservative, educated, understands history, distrusts government, distrusts politicians, dislikes pop-culture, and carries a firearm. In short, I'm what The Framers of The Constitution were counting on and everything your government wants you to fear most.

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