Archive for the 'Fantasy' Category

Where’s Your Gaia NOW!

Bring me cases of Aqua Net and Freon.  I’ll fix it.

Today’s Moral Quandary Brought To You By Breda And Lawdog

I ran across this and this on their sites.  Having recently attempted for the umpteenth time to read the first Harry Potter book and having glanced at the first Twilight book, I was stuck by the deep notion that if that crap can get readership, why the hell not try myself.  My book is now in Alpha form and I have a few volunteers to ridicule rip apart make fun of my dyslexia do the heavy lifting and first edits. 

Anyway… I dropped sections of my book into the Analyzer.

Here are the results.

For dialogue only, I rang up as Cory Doctorow.

For dialogue intermixed with action/descriptions, I seem to be running over Steven King.

For some um… how to put this… less than wholesome romance (But PG-13), I scored an H.P. Lovecraft.  Fitting given the scene.

For some demonic rantings, I made James Joyce roll over in his grave. 

For general romantic scenes (and I mean romantic interactions between two people, not Boom Chicka Wow Wow…) I came up so MPD that I can’t being to list the authors. 

But when I went out on a lark and had it analyze the book as a whole, I nearly deleted all my work and gave up my dream of having people enjoy my stories.  DAN FRACKIN’ BROWN!  The same name that came up in my general action sequences.

I’ve never read a Dan Brown novel, mainly because Mr. Brown seems to have a hard on for the Catholic Church so I tend to not give $$$ or time to people who dislike a fundamental part of me.  I don’t know if his stories are well written or not.  I know people find his work interesting, but they find Twilight and Harry Potter spend worthy too.  Would it be morally correct to seek to publish a book that could land me the moniker, “A Catholic Dan Brown?”  *Shiver*

My immortal soul is in danger.  Oh the woes of being a tortured artist. 🙂

I Wonder If Donny Osmond Is OK?

Didn’t know Purple could actually damage your brain

Quoth the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, “The internet’s completely over.”  … AND… “The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated.”

O RLY?  Prince was also quoted as saying, “I reject your reality and substitute my own.” Then he shoved his fingers in his ears and yelled, “LALALALALALLALALALALALLAALLALAICAN’THEARYOULALALALALALALAL!”

BTW: If you get the Donny Osmond reference, you are, like me, getting old.

Pull This One, It Plays “Jingle Bells!”

I haven’t found a credible web link yet, but honestly, with Barry making “Ground Breaking Earth Shattering Never Before Heard Astonishing Super Omniscient” statements every, what, 5 minutes, it’s hard to keep that news fresh on your website.

Anywhoo… I’m flipping channels in an attempt to… Well… avoid work.  When what do I see but another Obama press conference. (BTW:  do they have to rotate Teleprompters and mics?  What is the Mileage (verbiage?)  Before Refit on those things?) 

Again… Anywhoo… I see the crawl about his Superfantabulous reason for hogging center stage again.  It seems Barry abused his Executive Authority again (but hell, Bushy and Billy did it too.  So nu?) and took part of his soul to form an “Independent Bi-partisan” committee to study the debt and the budget.  Headed by ERSKINE BOWLES, former Clinton Chief of Staff and Crony!   

Yep… They don’t come anymore Bi-Partisan than Erskine. (Ouch!  I think I bit my tongue, it was so far in my cheek).

Let me fill you in on the First Commandment of being a Liar Lawyer.  NEVER ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO.  Barry is going to construct a panel that will give him political cover for expanding government.  It will give him big government answers to big government caused problems. 

And even if it was Bi-Partisan, it would still be POLITICALLY Minded.  You want me to respect this Saintly Panel?  Randomly pick successful large and small business leaders and put them on the panel.  Then you might have something. 

Oh, and who’s the “Bi-Partisan” Republican head of the committee?  Alan Simpson.  Now where do I remember than name from?  Hmmm… Mazola?  Marzipan?  OH RIGHT!!!! Simpson-Mazzoli!  The Shamnesty Bill.  Yep. There’s a real Conservative on the panel. 

I can only hope the Conservatives and Republicans can ignore this feint and keep together.  This is just designed to strip off one or two R’s that can’t stand the heat and get them to have a crisis of character.  It could work.  There’s not a fudge ton of character left amongst the Peachy-Dreams* of the GOP. 

As an aside, if you want to know why the GOP is in the mess it’s in, you only need to know that a Big Government, Constitution ignoring, statist like Simpson held the Senate Whip position.  Pretty typical of the RINO leadership that is still the party’s boat anchor today.

*that’s a play on pachyderms if you didn’t get it.

I Now Have Some Street Cred!

Fo’ shizzle my readizzle!  Er… whatever that’s supposed to mean. 

It seems the Grande Dame of Geeksville, D&D, was causing some major troubles (which starts with “T”, and that rhymes with “P”, and that stands for “Paladin”) in a Wisconsin Prison.  So THE MAN(!) took the game away from the worthless criminal choir-boy who was the major Player Character protagonist.  That warden is so gonna get it (as an NPC, of course). 

So hardened thugs play role-playing games?  Does that mean I get to wear my baseball caps at a jaunty angle now?  Can I belt my britches somewhere south of my wedding tackle? 

Poor prisoners… Do the crime, do the time. Pay the price, you can’t roll the dice.

And since D&D is such a rules heavy system, try playing it without the books.  Yet another reason to love Savage Worlds;160 pages, no fluff, easy to memorize.  I guess I need to start parking some of that data in my neural-net since I’ll be on an watch list at some point.  You never know when the Political Kommisars will take me to the “Re-Education Camps.”

“You can have my dice when you pry them from my cold dead hands!”

What Caliber For…

Giant Sky Jellyfish?

Dante:  *looks at .30-’06 and sighs* “Yep, time for a new gun.”  *Goes to to look up what’s available in .45-120*

Ren Fest… Or Octogenarian Furries

So someone talked me into going to the Texas Ren Fest. I’m kinda taken aback by the old lady pushing a Hugo with a big furry fox tail. Need more beer to stop the brain.


So I posted this, took a nice sip of water, answered an email, then went to my blog stats.  Within the short amount of time it took to do that I had QUITE A FEW hits simply because that post had “FEMA Prison” in the title.  

To all you who clicked on my site.  MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!  You’ve fallen for it!  I’ve been contracted by .gov to pass your info to the NWO!   You should get a visit from Big Brother very soon. 

Are those black helicopters?  *thumpathumpathumpathumpa*

Things Left 4 Dead Has Taught Me About The Coming Zombiepocalypse.

1)      I need to work on my “Chicken Winging”.  It’s a great target of opportunity for your own team to nail you with Friendly Fire.

2)      Before I enter a doorway that screams, “ZOMBIES! GET YOUR RED HOT ZOMBIES IN HERE!”  I need to take 2 seconds to make sure my primary and secondary weapons are topped off.  Nothing begs the Huggies to get fudged like firing 2 shots and then yelling, “RELOADING” while 30 zombies register you as the Blue Plate Special.

3)      I much prefer Romero Zombies to 28 Days Later Zombies. 

4)      I need to buy more Normal Capacity magazines for my weapons.  The target rich environs of the Undead-Americans call for frequent tactical mag changes.

5)      Setting zombies on fire 50 yards from you?  Good.  Setting zombies on fire 3 feet from you?  BAD!

6)      I promise to be the first through the door and the one to take the brunt of the damage fighting the really bad zombies if you promise to give me fire support when I’m trying to make it to the rescue vehicle.  If, however, you decided to leave me for dead, I will be very put out. 

7)      Never do a bad turn to your survival partners (see above).  You never know when a fudge ton of zombies may follow you into a safe room ignoring the guy you’ve recently burned with your shenanigans and he may just close the unbreakable door on you and your “new friends” w/o lending a helping hand.  *evil grin* File that one under, “Payback’s a B***h,” fellas!

8)      With Pipe-bombs, ammo, and automatic weapons laying all about, the Zombiepocalypse is actually a pretty nice place to be.  I mean… minus the zombies. But hey, we have our own zombies now and none of that fun stuff lying about.  So I don’t know that I mind the “change.”

9)      I need an iPod.  The Zombiepocalypse will not be the same without a soundtrack.

10)  Given that I spend so much free time playing this game, I supposed when the Zombiepocalypse comes I’ll spend all my free time pretending to code,  playing at  finishing my reports, and role-playing that I’m talking to clients on the phone?


Tune into GUN NUTS RADIO tonight!  No exceptions will be allowed.  There will be a test afterward. 

There will be some poodle-shooter stuff that may hold some interest, but The Monster-Hunter-in-Chief will be on.  < Insert fanboy SQUEEEE here>


Conservative, educated, understands history, distrusts government, distrusts politicians, dislikes pop-culture, and carries a firearm. In short, I'm what The Framers of The Constitution were counting on and everything your government wants you to fear most.

The only thing I don’t have to complain about is some GI taking up space in my living room. I’ll let you know about the Civil Courts if someone ever owes more than $20 to me. ---If you didn’t get that one; sue your Civics or US History Teacher.

Your shortcut to Acute Dyspepsia
Any Spelling, Grammatical, or Typographic errors are the result of my keyboard, public school Elementary education, or Secret Government Ninjas and not fault of the author and his flying through his posts at lunch time. If you see any errors, ping me and I will correct them. Ping me often enough, and I will make you my editor.
dantes firing range -A T-
Remove the spaces and convert the -AT- to... you know the drill. In VB Script that's: Value = replace (replace ("dantes firing range -A T-", " ",""), "-AT-", chr(64))

For The Record