Posts Tagged 'Satire'

P.J… Like A Usefull George Will. …Only Funny

…And without all that Chicago Cubs baggage.

For your giggle box’s pleasure.   Although our Ninja and Zombie policies may be a good time/energy sink for them as well.

Something I Hadn’t Considered.

Helen Back, a spokesperson for the American Association for Undead People said, “Insurance companies classify zombiism as a pre-existing condition and routinely discriminate against the undead.

DAMNIT!  So not only will Illegal Aliens be covered, Zombies will as well since you can’t deny pre-existing conditions anymore*! 

Well, not all Zombies will be under Obamacare.  The Dems who voted for it get to keep their Congressional Medical Insurance.  …That we pay for!

*Except for children.  That part doesn’t kick in until 2014, or something like that.  Yet hasn’t that been Barry’s tag line since he signed the bill?

H/T to NJT

HAPPY FRACKIN’ NEW YEAR!

Some New Year’s cheer for you.  When we are all in Obama-towns by this time next year, remember fondly these days when we were just WAITING for the real effects of the stimulus to kick in.  Look back with a gentle sigh on these halcyon days when we could decide for ourselves if we wanted to eat or buy over priced healthcare.  Let’s all make some Resolutions for the coming annum.  Shall we?

 1)      I will not vomit every time I see Obama campaigning giving a speech… in his… normal cadence… of… a few… words… at a… time.

2)      I will remember to respect others in the soup lines and form a proper queue.

3)      When I am marked as an Enemy of the State for refusing to buy healthcare, I will not hold the police that take me to jail personally responsible.

4)      When Nationalized Healthcare deems that guns are an unacceptable risk to our wellbeing, I will make to turn in every last one.  Really.

5)      When forced to buy a Government Motors 2 cylinder conservation car, I will not envy the politburo members politicians with SUV’s

6)      Even though Climate Gate has unmasked the Global Warming fraud for what it is, I will listen politely to every TV show that squeezes in some from of Tree Huggery into its Conservative bashing, Obama testifying script.

7)      When I lose my job sometime this year (and I will.  I work in an Obama targeted industry and legislation is already in the pipeline that will kill it overnight), I will be thankful for the Messiah President that has given me the opportunity to experience hunger, poverty, and eviction. 

8)      When crime rises this coming year due to the economic collapse brought about by Obama-nomics, I will do my part to not burden the Police by using 911 only as a clean up service.  At least until #4 is passed.

9)      This one is for 2011:  When the Republican controlled House can’t undo Nationalized Healthcare because of the Dem Controlled Senate (even if only controlled by filibuster); I will not lose hope that we can fix this.

10)  This one is for 2013: When the Republican President and Congress can’t seem to find a way to undo Nationalized Healthcare; I will officially throw in the towel and look for a nice place to go Ex-Pat.

Remember Tonight Is Gun Nuts!

Gun Nuts Radio is on tonight @ 8 Central (those of you in lesser time zones can do the math).  It’s opposite Warehouse 13 but I have a DVR and ever since May I am no longer… “Participating in any rating samples” so I have no guilt in TiVo-ing one of my fav shows and listening to my fav webcast En Vivo

In Tonight’s Episode, Caleb will profess his undying love for 9mm standard pressure FMJ rounds and say a rosary for Paul Helmke.  Breda will announce that Mike is having her outfitted with an ArmaLite Leg Prosthetic in 7.62 NATO (5.56 show on link).   Lawdog will call in but not be exercised about anything and the chat will not have some id10t try to hijack it with profanity.    OH!  And Breda will not do any hair flips. 

Sorry… that was the script for tonight’s Gun Nuts in Bizarro Land.  You could see how I would get confused when you look at who’s in DC right now.

New Class For All Dem Politicians

Watching the humorous fallout form the “Stupid Police” imporv skit the POTUS did without his TOTUS, I think the Dems have gotten very soft in the area of deflecting the scat from the air impeller on their own.  They’ve had the State Run Media (formerly MSM) flaying CAP for them for too long and have gotten used to flying sorties into flack without fear of ridding a smoking engine into the wilds behind enemy territory.

They must see that too because the DNC is taking a page from the Armed Forces and instituting a class designed to help with extracting downed politicians from trouble.  My contacts in the underground have smuggled out a copy of the course syllabus.

Course Title: Mistake and Evasion

Class Syllabus

Purpose: To Prepare DNC Operatives / Politicians for times when friendly media are unable to aid in cover up.

Objectives:  Class will provide rapid training to raise skill level of participants in the areas of Mistake Redefinition, Message Manipulation without the aid of the Media, Finding other stories to hide in, Self Rescue from hostile interviews, Public Apologies without admitting wrongdoing, and Counter Interrogation Techniques.

Organization:  Class with be organized in formal lecture, role playing, and lab work.

Required materials:  All supplies will be furnished to participants and returned at the end of class for destruction. NO CALCULATORS OR TELEPROMPTERS ALLOWED.

Grading:  Pass/Fail on final exam.  This is a full emersion test of real world situations and skills.  Participants will be graded on use of all skills. You will not be allowed to stop the test once it has begun.  If you break, you will fail, but the test will continue to show the participants the full extent of failure. 

Attendance: Mandatory all five days for all sessions.  Breaks will be given; schedule media interviews around these times.

Conduct:  Conduct becoming a Democrat operative is expected to be curtailed until the end of the class.

Course Schedule and Topics:

Day 1) Mistakes
      What is a mistake and who can make one.
      What mistakes can leave you without cover.
      What wagons are left to circle?
      LUNCH
      ROLE PLAY:  The press conference has gone off script.
      LAB:  Identifying your weaknesses: Root of Mistakes.              
 
Day 2) The rule of 3’s. 
      3 Seconds: You’ve said it/Been filmed/Been Caught!  Now what?
      3 Minutes:  Lies to deflect the lie.
      3 Hours:  Fire up the War Room!
      LUNCH
      3 Days:  Nothing says “old news” like a new crisis.
      3 weeks:  Cunning ways to pretend it never happened.
      3 Months:  When is the “Mea Culpa” tour needed?
      ROLE PLAY: Managing the mess.
 
Day 3) Tough Questions deserve no answer.
      Hiding from media
           LAB: Creation of a crisis.
      LUNCH
      Deflecting Questions
           LAB: Finding Flaws in Context.
      Appearing above it all
      Avoiding aloofness.
           ROLE PLAY:  The dangers of “The Rose Garden”
           
Day 4) On the Carpet.
      Not breaking under interrogation.
      Redefining words.
      LUNCH
      Redefining words (con’t)
           LAB: Changing meanings of 2 and 3 letter words.
      Looking for supporters.
      Keep talking and you will break.
      Saying Sorry as a LAST RESORT!
          ROLE PLAY:  Wet eyes, but don’t cry!
                       
Day 5) Final Exam
      1 Hour interview with Fox style unapproved talk show host.

2010 Independence Day Rescheduled

Citing “Truth in Advertising” regulations, the Whitehouse announced that the 2010 national holiday for U.S. Independence will be moved to May 1st.*

*For those in Public Schools.  May 1st is… 

This Just In… Whitehouse Had King Of Pop Offed.

Sources close to the Whitehouse say that members of the Obama Administration were responsible for securing the “hit” on Michael Jackson.  The object of the operation was to divert media attention from the flagging economy and unconstitutional bills being passed by Congress.

“Hell… who do you think sent that teacher to Jon (of Jon and Kate fame).  We thought watching that train wreck would keep the media off our backs.  It’s not like they needed much of an excuse.  But they had to go and allow some probing.  So… we had to up the anti.”

The anonymous source was quick to point out that, “The President, Barak Obama, [he paused to bow his head] had no knowledge of this plan,” a claim supported by the Whitehouse.

This lack of awareness, however, pulls into question the omniscience of President Obama.  When asked about this the anonymous source said;

“Why are you changing the subject?  Do you hear what I’m telling you?  It’s Fox News’ fault that The King of Pop is dead!”

Officials with Fox had no comment.

THIS JUST IN: Obama Announces New Public Behavior Reforms.

Washington D.C. (June 15th, 2009):  Spokesmen for The Obama Administration announce comprehensive changes for public behavior set to be voted on by Congress this year.  Topping the list of sweeping new reforms that the Necessary American Non-virtuous Exploits Elimination (NANEE) Act will mandate are; The wearing of clean underwear, Bathing behind the ears, Brushing teeth, Eating all vegetables before dessert, and looking both ways before crossing the street.

Obama alluded to this announcement late last week while continuing his Public Ministry in The Heartland. 

“Too many people today believe that I want to control them.  I have too many other things to deal with.  I have Iraq and Afghanistan and Iran and the tides and pealing back the night so that the sun can shine every day, I don’t have time to get involved with your everyday lives.  So don’t worry.  I’m looking into a new Cabinet level post to deal with that.”

The NANEE Act calls for the creation of regional directors to watch over all 57 States.  These local NANEE Directors will report to a Cabinet level post being dubbed the NANEE CZAR or Super NANEE. 

There are no fines or punishments defined in the NANEE Act, however broad police and enforcement powers will be given to the Super NANEE and its directors.  The 935 page Act states:

“Since every citizen learns at a different rate appropriate to his or her age, mental state, and regional handicaps, This NANEE Act will allow case by case assessment of infractions to determine appropriate action by the NANEE officers. However guidelines will be issued by Regional and National directors to assist with punishment and education.”

Some of the proposed guidelines being discussed behind the scenes are; Shutting off of telecommunication services, Removal of all entertainment equipment, House arrest except for the hours of work, and Pre-dinner curfews.

A press release from the Whitehouse quotes the President, who recently completed a desert sabbatical that he felt important to begin early on in his Presidency started:

“As I feel rejuvenated by purpose after retuning form the Middle East, I want the American People to feel rejuvenated everyday by doing what they need to do to have a fulfilling life of purpose for The State.  One key aspect of that is maintaining acceptable daily behavior that benefits all.”

Newt Gingrich, replying for The RNC leadership who are vacationing at Resort de’ Nile in Egypt for the foreseeable future, said,

“We Republicans believe that these measures, while well intentioned, are dangerous.” 

However, after receiving notice that he and other RNC leaders were removed from the guest lists of several upcoming DC gala events, Gingrich amended his remarks:

“What I meant to say earlier is that The NANEE Act is dangerous in that it does not go far enough.  We do not see provisions for No-knock room entry and late night under-bed checks.”

Since it does not mention hot button Conservative issues that might endanger Southern Democrats (Guns, God, or NASCAR), The NANEE Act is expected to pass with broad bipartisan support.


Dante…

Conservative, educated, understands history, distrusts government, distrusts politicians, dislikes pop-culture, and carries a firearm. In short, I'm what The Framers of The Constitution were counting on and everything your government wants you to fear most.

The only thing I don’t have to complain about is some GI taking up space in my living room. I’ll let you know about the Civil Courts if someone ever owes more than $20 to me. ---If you didn’t get that one; sue your Civics or US History Teacher.


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